I'm so glad you're my physics lab partner, Breezy.
Sure, I could've gotten an easy A teaming up with a Korean kid...
...but I prefer a challenge.
Oh, Bud.
I've watched you every day in Quantum Mechanics.
I just love the way you glide your fingers sensuously...
...over your Texas Instruments.
Take me.
Another dream, Dad?
Another dream, son.
- Why didn't you stop me? - There's a game on.
Sorry about that, Dad.
I haven't slept much because I'm studying for a scholarship.
The test is tomorrow and if I ace it, I'll get to study at Oxford.
You have heard of Oxford?
Heard of it? Hell, I've been selling them for years.
Actually, Dad, Oxford is a university in Eng...
Cheerleader routine, son.
Fine, but I gotta study, so can you try to keep it down?
Gotcha.
Cut to the left. Cut to the left.
Now. Go for the end zone.
I thought you were watching cheerleaders.
I am. Damn cameraman's shooting their faces.
Dad, remember, the scholarship?
Son, remember, your room? Why don't you study upstairs?
Because Kelly's blasting music in her room.
Some band she wants to see, Otitis Media.
- What a stupid name. - Otitis Media?
No, Kelly.
Never liked that name. Always wanted to call her Spike.
Of course, I wanted a son. Never got one. Damn wife.
Dad, can you stop "seniling" around...
...and turn this game off long enough for me to study?
This game is important. The Bears are playing the Rams.
If you lose to the Rams, you get thrown out of the league.
Why am I fighting?
I know where the quietest place in the world is.
Bud, I've come to make love to you.
I want you to rub my tootsies and then show me something in a size six.
I only carry a nine.
This is so exciting for me, mon cheri.
Now, if you'll allow me to nibble on your love grapes.
I found this in back, if you want to make the one you got jealous.
- Who are you? - Name's Griff. I work here.
That's funny. Dad never told me he hired another guy.
- And who are you? - Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
That's funny. He never told me he had a son.
- Daughter? - Nope.
- Wife? - Not living.
- Four touchdowns in one game? - Oh, hell, yeah.
That's why I told him to go home. I couldn't stand it anymore.
Look, this is not what you think.
I've been studying so hard for this scholarship that I tend to fall asleep.
If you're looking for some peace and quiet, I won't bother you.
I'm just here because I don't have any other place to go.
I used to have a place to go.
Then I got divorced. Now I got two places I don't go.
Yup, divorced.
She got the house, the car, the money.
I got the right to remain silent.
But that's fair, I guess.
Of course, what really ticks me off...
...is that even Michael Jackson's married and I'm not.
But I'm not bitter.
You go on back to your studying.
Dad, I've got to study, all right?
Go ahead. Who's stopping you?
Get that, will you?
Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Bud. Look, I can't talk long, honey.
I just called to give you a Grandma update.
The doctors have told us...
...that she can take those long walks in the woods again...
...as long as she wears the orange drop cloth.
Oh, yes, and Aunt Sadie is making you the cutest sweater.
You know, her eye has stopped leaking now.
Of course, her ear has started to.
And we're hoping, with any luck...
...they'll be able to separate the twins next Friday.
So, honey, what's going on there?
There's this scholarship...
Time's up. Gotta go.
Daddy, guess what I just heard.
Otitis Media is in concert right here and I have to go.
Please? It's only a couple hundred dollars.
Kelly, at least have the decency...
...to take the headphones off when I say no to you.
Please, Dad, I have to go. It's the greatest band in the world.
Kelly, will you be quiet? Your brother's trying to study.
- Sorry. - Thank you.
Guess what. We're going to have a new addition to our family.
Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch?
Mrs. D'Arcy, you're gonna have a baby?
Better. We're gonna have a teenager.
Well, then, can I strongly recommend that you have a caesarean?
No, Kelly.
My niece, Amber, is coming from Los Angeles to stay with us for a while.
Bud, you met Amber six years ago when she was 13. You remember?
Well, I think she's beautiful.
Yeah, but you think Jefferson works.
I don't know about you...
...but when I sweat and don't enjoy it, I call it work.
Anyway, Amber's parents think she's been hanging out...
...with the wrong crowd in L.A., getting a little too wild...
...so I'm going to teach her traditional Midwestern values.
What? Wearing print dresses, serving lots of tuna casserole and getting fat?
Exactly.
And while she's here, you, Al Bundy, are not to offend her in any way.
And that includes going outside with your shirt off.
Or bending over and showing us that vertical smile...
...we've come to know and love.
If you don't like it, why don't you put her on the other side of your house?
Because our second bedroom is the only place for her.
Excuse me, Marcie, but that's my billiard room.
Not anymore.
Even my little solarium where I sit by the window...
...and watch people go to work?
I wave to you each morning until you've rounded the corner.
You'd take that joy away from me?
What am I gonna do?
Get a job?
No, really. What am I gonna do?
It's Amber's room.
Oh, this is just great. Now everybody's got a room but me.
Kelly's got a room, Bud's got a room, Al's got...
So now I'm no better off than Al?
Hold it up, people! Enough!
I'm gonna put a stop to this right now.
He's got a gun!
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
This is all the money I have.
So, Dad, here, take some money and go to the nudie bar.
- The game's not over. - And the Rams tak e the field.
Okay, it's over.
Thanks, son.
Kelly, go get yourself some concert tickets.
Thank you, Bud. If you weren't my brother, I would...
You'd be surrendering your body for an ice cream and a pony ride. Get out.
Mrs. D'Arcy, take Amber to the groomers. I mean, the movies.
- Bud? - Yeah?
Could I go to the nudie bar with Al?
Oh, finally, some quiet.
It's just you and me now, Buck boy.
I've seen porno films that start lik e this.
What is it?
Hi, I'm Marcie's niece, Amber.
- You're Amber? - Yeah. I'm hiding from my aunt.
Do you mind if I get out of these sticky clothes and take a shower?
So now that you've showered and lotioned up...
...and eaten a banana in front of me...
...what brings you to Chicago?
Aunt Marcie sent me first-class plane tickets.
- It must have been a great trip. - It was.
I cashed them in and hitchhiked.
But believe me, hitching across the country is not as safe as it sounds.
I mean, there were some people so freaky...
...I almost didn't get in the car with them.
For instance, there was this one guy who picked me up outside El Paso.
Not that I mind sharing...
I guess I should have dressed up.
Hey, it's my fantasy. You'll wear what I want you to wear.
Again, it's my fantasy.
So I said:
"There must be something besides my blouse you can use as an oil rag."
Look at the time. I gotta go.
If Aunt Marcie caught me here, there's no telling what she'd do.
But I'm sure it would be boring.
- See you. - See you.
Cute girl. What happened, wrong house?
No, Dad, that was Mrs. D'Arcy's niece. That was Amber.
Marcie's niece?
Must be from the unfeathered side of the family.
Dad, think she and I could ever...?
Not a chance, son.
- Thanks, Dad. - Hey, what's a father for?
Looking on the bright side, Amber's living right next door.
So sooner or later, you'll probably get to see her naked.
But whatever you do, don't look at Marcie.
I did one time and was clinically dead for an hour and a half.
Damn leaky rubber woman.
Bud, it's me, Amber.
Amber? What are you doing over here?
Well, I had to go somewhere.
And since Aunt Marcie said never ever, ever to come over here, here I am.
I hurt my neck climbing over the fence. Could you rub it?
With my hands?
Surprise me.
Wait a minute. I know what's happening.
I'm dreaming again. Yeah, that's it.
As soon as I touch her, I'll be in school without my pants on.
Come on, Bud, rub me. Hurry.
Hey, this is great.
Gee, I hope I don't wak e up with the whole family staring at me...
...again.
Your hands feel so strong...
...especially the right one.
Do you work out?
Kind of.
Odd. I don't normally mak e fun of myself in my dreams.
Still, this can't be real.
Oh, well, there's only one way to know for sure.
Amber, want to have sex?
Sure.
Yup, it's a dream, all right, but who cares.
It was my first dream where the girl actually said yes.
Hi, Bud.
Amber?
It's 3 a.m.
Look, I've gotta go...
...but I just want you to know that you're by far the best lover I've ever had.
It's like you really know your body.
Yeah, well, you can chalk that up to experience.
I mean, with women.
Not that I lay here at night and feel myself up.
Because that would be really pathetic and dumb.
- Well, I better get back. - Amber?
Can I see you tomorrow?
We'll see.
Kelly?
Next window.
I can't believe it.
After I went out of my way to be quiet so you could study...
...you didn't even get the scholarship.
Now you'll be here forever, like your mother.
Like me.
- Don't forget me, Daddy. - And like Spike here.
You were supposed to be the Bundy that made it.
Yeah. The Great White Pope.
Don't help Daddy, pumpkin.
Why do you think we even had a second child?
We knew that nothing was gonna happen here.
I guess I should be punished, then.
Yes, you should. But how?
I say we put him in a sack and throw him off the Sears Tower.
Where the hell am I gonna get a sack?
Dad, whatever you do, just don't send me to my room...
...especially for a whole week.
That would kill me.
You go to your room.
For one week.
You're a cruel but fair man.